The Beginning

I dont believe that anyone is going to read this. I dont read any one elses blog so why should I expect anyone to read mine? right? It is however 1:35 in the a.m. and I have a lot on my mind so why shouldn't I write my most sacred thoughts down and share them with the world? Ha! why the hell not. right? lately I have been feeling like I need to break free, as I always do when I am restricted to life. I have decided that my one fatal flaw is that I can't just sit still and be happy. I find that I am too busy looking for the next big adventure that I miss the one i'm going through. I just had a baby girl... Maddie. She is my everything. I love her more with every smile she gives me but, I find myself saying, I would love you to be more indepentent, (mind that she is 3 1/2 months old) I wish you could walk, or I wish you could talk. Then I stop and realize that, wait, she will never be this little again! I'm missing out on inportant moments in parenthood. Then I feel like a terrible person, and even worse, a terrible father for wishing thoes things. I wonder if i'm the only one? I'm sure there are others like me but, it seems that i'm the last of my kind. While im contenplating parenthood... I might as well discuss this topic. John Mayer has a song called "stop this train", if you have never heard it, check it out. In the song he has a line that sayes, " Im only good at being young." I once told my mom right before I got married at the ripe old age of 20, that I still feel like a kid. She told me that you never truly feel grown up. At that moment my mom went from being my idol, my fail-safe go to girl, to a real person with problems just like mine. Well, maybe not Just like mine. But she was more human that I had ever seen her. And I think that everyone has to go through that as they get older. Realizing that your parents are human. I think back on that when I have a panic attack thing about me being in charge of another human life. It helps to know that we are all human, just like our parents before us. thus is the circle of life, to screw up your kids life a little less than you parents did to you.